Okay day.
Don't know what really to say.
At Patrick and Sarah's.
Don't have reception to post, might not happen until tomorrow.
Being written on time.
I made a deal with Steven that I'll stop smoking cigarettes on the last day of my externship.
Got the wifi password.
:)
Oh, yeah...
There was an earthquake today, Steven and i felt it a little.
Some shit.
Better now.
Don't feel like it.
Fell asleep kneeling in front of a chair, resting on it.
Not sure what else to say.
The pictures on my phone have all been erased somehow.
Had clothing issues this morning.
Didn't eat breakfast.
Had a pretty busy day at delta.
Not much else.
I'm not in the mood for this.
Delta: boring.
Phone fell on asphalt.
Didn't eat dinner.
arguing, bitches, shit.
Been crying a lot.
And thinking.
And watching things happen like someone else was in control of my body, and another someone, my emotions and half of my thoughts.
I am pretty convinced i could have some sort of multiple personality disorder.
But i just wanna be left alone.
I'm managing, if sometimes only barely.
I trust that if it gets too bad, someone will save me or kill me.
The rest of the time, things are peachy.
Varying cycles?
Not the greatest, but sure, why the hell not?
If i accept the terms the universe gives me, i might just be entitled to a couple of my own, right?
Post tests for school.
Not too bad.
One of my mom's fish died today so we got two more.
Hers is an angel fish, mine is a fascitus or something, i don't remember.
All of a sudden it started snowing earlier, and everything is covered.
That might be about it.
New boots and coat.
At riff and sandy's.
Not much else to say.
Daria and a phone case ordered.
Went to marion's for about an hour.
And, watched bits of house!
This might not publish right...
Today was good.
Cally got up early.
So did my mom and i.
Made cookies.
Went to see the Blacks, gran, and some shopping.
We got some new fish.
My mom got two guaramis.
I got a brown ghost knife.
Lenora was being a little... frisky...
That's about all.
Today was pretty good...
Got free lunch at delta.
Got some stuff.
The girls are spending the night.
Today was okay.
No teacher again for the morning class.
I started reading sacrament.
Good so far.
Not much else, really...
More wanting to change the world.
I think I'm getting closer to figuring out something to try to accomplish such.
I was a little late getting to delta today.
I hate to say it, but i think i really like it there.
It was pretty nice today.
It got over 60 a little.
It's kinda crazy.
Something still feels sorta off...
There's no real reason as far as i can tell, but i feel like crying or screaming.
I really don't like this, it reminds me a lot of suicidal.
I need a break or something, but I'm not able to get one.
It's like someone always wants something.
I thought that shit wasn't supposed to start until parenthood.
Hell, I'd probably be able to get a break easier, then.
People would be willing to back the fuck off, mayhaps?
I wonder how long it's been since baxter died.
Something doesn't feel right.
I'm emotional.
I had the passing thought that maybe I'd be better off single.
It scares me.
I was trying to eat dinner and it didn't taste right at all.
And of course it HAS to be my fault that nothing else sounds even remotely close to good.
Honestly, i kinda just want a vanilla milk shake, but i know that'll cause issues.
So I'm not even going to say anything.
I was at the point of wanting to tear my hair out.
I guess I've been feeling irritable all day.
My boots didn't want to cooperate this morning and i thought i was screwed, but they might be okay.
I'm starting to hate it here more than at my house.
that's not good.
I kinda just wanna go to sleep.
It's about 8...
Had some issues (minorly) this morning.
Started my externship today.
It wasn't too bad.
Mostly just entered invoices.
Had chinese for dinner.
It was decent.
I kinda had the opposite effect from it then one would expect.
I didn't feel full and it lasted just as long as any other meal.
That's about all.
The girls were over this morning.
Cally loves the fish tank.
She was kissing it.
And laughing.
Went shopping and to gran's.
I'm craving something.
People are driving like idiots.
Might go hang out with ashley and tiff.
If i feel like driving and cleaning off the car.
It's something to do...
I was told that are you afraid of the dark might be on nick at nite.
That would be awesome.
Pretty boring day.
Went to some stores and the flea market.
I got a book that I'm excited to read.
I feel kinda stressed.
I don't feel like writing.
Oh, i completely hate my neck in the pic.
No spreadsheet teacher this morning.
Again.
And so many issues with the class.
Couldn't work on any assignments for an hour and a half.
Got everything done, though.
Was really nice outside.
Rest of the day has been relatively normal.
Don't know what else...
Have been unable to do my spreadsheet homework because it won't install the applications i need.
My stomach is kinda upset.
Steven and i went to steak n shake, and then giant eagle.
Leaving there, this bitch almost backed into me, so i yelled hey.
Then as she's driving away, the passenger s starts yelling shit at me like i was the one doing something wrong.
oh, yeah, and he called me a "fat fucking whore"
So, yeah, my day's just been fantastic.
Something good: Steven didn't get drug tested.
Something bad: people don't know how to react to what's in my head.
Totally breaking news, right? :/
Posted something on facebook.
Sarah called my mom and told her i put something freaky on there or some shit.
People don't understand that when i ask to be left alone, they best do it.
Anyway, i started crying.
Steven was trying to help.
It's sorta okay, now.
My eyes hurt.
Basically, what it was, was how I'm so sick of everything, but what difference does it make, and whether or not i have any control over it all.
I guess, my brain views things very differently than EVERYONE else in the world.
At least that's how people treat me when i try explaining anything.
I started on my homework (the reading part, anyway).
I'm not in the mood.
For anything.
I really just want to scream.
I don't know exactly.
Everything is just too much and i can't separate it.
Definitely a cold.
Got some new fishies.
Two are my mom's and they're tiny.
One is mine and kinda skittish.
Haven't felt much like doing anything really today.
Birthday party for a ten (?) year old boy cousin.
Got the fish tank completely set up and the fish transferred.
They're happy.
I'm kind of tired but it's still pretty early.
The sub i get at subway is almost six dollars now. :(
Peppermint cookies.
Today was okay.
It snowed.
Not a lot, but enough to count for something.
Fell asleep for the afternoon. :-/
Came home, went shopping and to gran's.
Had some pepperoni and mozzarella pizza.
My throat hurts a little.
Might have the makings of a cold.
I have been sitting in the dark trying to sleep for about 20 min.
I've been thinking instead.
Well, more like listening to some thoughts.
I think they're mine but from the past or future or something.
It seems really crazy.
I went all over in my head.
I remember a bunch of random stuff freaking me out.
Then thinking why does it matter.
The thoughts are just electrical impulses.
The body is mostly water.
I wonder if we get electrocuted.
That's like cymbalta withdrawal.
Then basically my while existence as a cutter up until whenever the thought was coming from.
But, i guess i was helping others somehow.
I'm kinda freaking out a little again.
Like this must be something bad if I'm remembering the future again.
Also, I'd like to try and get ahold of my favorite counselor, carrie singer.
I think that if i wouldn't have met her, i really might've killed myself, whether what i thought was intentional or uncontrollable or whatever.
I still have the letter she gave me the last time i saw her, though it's a bit hard to read, now.
Must try to sleep again.
Another day without an alarm to wake up to.
Got a good amount of work done in my first class.
Fell asleep between the two.
Woke up right around the time i needed to.
Basically pulled a speech out of my ass, somehow.
Read the opening couple stories in grimm's fairy tales.
Get back to Steven's and his mom is sleeping on the couch.
Okay, what ever.
I get upstairs and he's out.
I woke him up and he's already sleeping again.
Fucking weird.
I feel alone.
On the plus side, i think my period is gonna stop.
Wore my shirt from the concert today.
I really like it a lot.
Pretty uneventful day.
Read six chapters for oral communications.
Not fun.
Even that book is trying to tell me to go to san francisco.
Okay day.
Staind concert good.
Can't hear right yet.
Got a shirt.
Smelly.
Almost got stuck in the parking lot.
Sorta okay day.
Better than yesterday.
Not in the mood for writing much right now.
I hate my period.
Yep.
I felt like shit this morning, but after a shower and nap, was much better.
Nothing much exciting.
I guess my father has his eye on a car for me that's stick that should last at least five years, but i need to sell mine first.
Went to desirae's for a while with my mom.
Terra and her youngest two kids were there.
The little one was just smiling at me after a while.
It was really cute.
More water added to the fish tank.
It's almost full.
I saw a kitten in my head today running from my mom's car to the van.
She was brown and white patches, possibly with a little black.
This morning was horrible, into the afternoon.
It might be okay now.
I cleaned windows for gran today.
The girls are spending the night.
Cramps.
Got to see shaggy.
He's such a cutie.
I want a puppy that's just as playful.
Went to steak n shake for breakfast. The breakfast shooters are pretty awesome.
Then we went to bam.
It was pretty much just like borders.
Then some shit happened.
But i think it's okay now.
The loan...
More pain and it turns out that hospital bills are now ruining my life.
At least financially.
but it might turn out okay, too.
The fishtank is finally progressing.
I want to start a magazine.
I'm not sure on specifics yet, but I'll figure it out.
Yay. Classes.
This morning, my alarm didn't go off.
I had a dream i was late right before i woke up.
I ended up not being late, though, just rushed.
My teacher wasn't there and the computers gave up towards the end.
I played pokemon during the break.
Other class doesn't seem as bad as i thought, at least not so far.
Wasting my gas so i can drive home.
This shit is ridiculous.
I want a cigarette.
